This tale I tell, I swear it’s true
Was told to me by a man from Crewe.
He heard it first whilst overseas,
Somewhere near the Antipodes.

It’s all about this sexy chick,
Called Princess Pansy, and her trick.
This trick she learned, whilst left alone
In a dreary castle made of stone.

You might imagine, if you will,
That solitude’s a bitter pill,
Abandoned there when very small,
She had no friends who came to call.

As time has passed, so we know not
Why she was left there as a tot
But in those days of beasts with wings,
Strange things were done by silly kings.

Her father died, or so we’re told,
When Pansy was just one year old.
Her mother wasn’t the nicest Mom,
And shacked up with a Duke called Tom.

Now Tom was pleased to shag the queen,
As his old man hadn’t left a bean.
The dead king had left quite a pot,
But Pansy was to cop the lot.

So Tom, the mean old nasty git,
Had the girl shoved into a pit.
Her mother created quite a scene,
So he dragged her out, and washed her clean.

Then he thought of the perfect ruse,
And took the queen off on a cruise.
When they’d gone, the girl was taken
And locked in a castle; fine, but shaken.

Her only friend, if that’s what it was
Was a tiny mouse called Habenoz.
No ordinary rodent, was this bloke,
As she discovered when he spoke.

A speaking mouse was pretty rare,
But this wee chap had ginger hair.
That’s not all, dear reader, wait,
His real skill was, and this you’ll hate…

I’ll need to first back in time go
And let you in on what I know.
It seems this castle was enchanted,
By a spell a dragon planted.

This castle was a magic place,
Where no human showed his face.
How Tom’s minions incarcerated
Little Pansy is quite un-stated.

She was there from very small,
Fed by dragons down the hall.
They’d agreed to keep her prisoner
On condition not to eat her.

For his part, Bad Tom agreed
Of their presence he’d pay no heed.
For once a year, in nearby Church Inn
The dragons ate a busty virgin

Of all this, Pansy knew nothing
She never heard their huffin’-puffin’.
She rarely saw her scaly keepers,
For they gave her the jeeper-creepers.

“Hang on a mo,” I hear you ask.
“How can she learn?” Now there’s a task,
No girl can do this on her own
Not even when she has a phone.

No cell-phones here, I’m pleased to say,
But magic was, it had its day.
And this is how our friendly mouse,
Found himself inside this house.

For Habendoz, you recall him named,
Was a wizard, and quite famed.
A beastly witch caught him unawares
When hanging up his underwear.

She had held a growing grudge,
Whilst the owner of a house of fudge.
The story’s told that two young sloths
Ate it all, so she caged them both.

Habendoz happened past,
And froze her with a magic blast.
He freed the pair, to their relief,
Despite the fact they were each a thief.

The witch, whilst cross, slunk away,
She vowed revenge - another day.
Sure enough, sometime after
Habendoz heard her cackle laughter.

Then just before he remembered why,
He found himself staring at the sky.
She’d waved her wand, and cast a spell,
Just which came first, he couldn’t tell.

He felt all dizzy, and in a thrice,
Found himself in a world of mice.
Not happy with his change of fate,
He buggered off, through the open gate.

The witch, frustrated, followed after,
Hit her head on a low rafter.
She tumbled backwards, dazed and battered,
Into the well, and down she splattered.

But Habenoz was unaware,
Of her demise, it wasn’t fair.
He was scared stiff, this little chap,
As he faced a cat, fresh from its nap.

This cat, it seems, was quite well fed,
And wasn’t hungry, but it’s said,
That at this moment, the mouse discovered
His mental skill was quite recovered.

For Habendoz was mighty strong
At reading minds, he had a gong!
He looked down deep in pussy’s eyes
And in a trance he mesmerised.

He hypnotised our feline friend,
And on a mission he did send -
To find safe haven, from prying eyes,
So he could change to normal size.

On her back he climbed and clung,
She helped him up with her tongue.
And off she went to locate shelter
He was jolted helter-skelter.

Around a corner the Castle loomed,
Dark and brooding, he felt gloomed.
Straight inside went pussy faithful,
Without a thought of mouse so fearful.

In the castle, the mouse found dragons,
Bigger, much, than horse and wagons.
However, and much to his delight
He found that mice gave them a fright!

Thus left alone was he to roam,
He treated it just like his home.
It wasn’t long before he located,
Young Pansy, - the one Tom hated.

He found her locked inside a tower,
With a roof that leaked, in evr’y shower.
In fact, he frightened her to bits
When he first spoke, she got the shits!

No one expects a mouse to speak,
We all know they simply squeak.
A simple mouse, he wasn’t that!
- A mighty wizard, without his hat.

After Pansy changed her knickers,
The pair got on like city slickers.
He taught her everything he knew,
So she’d be there when he grew.

I am sure you’d like to know,
What happened next to them, and so,
I shall continue with this tale,
Tomorrow, I promise, without fail.

Now Pansy had grown up a lot,
With ample bust and firm wee bot,
Her legs were sexy, long and slim,
It looked like she’d been in a gym.

She found the mouse a welcome chum
He made her feel a lot less glum
Now Habendoz, taught her lots and lots,
And all the while, for her got the hots.

There in the castle, with the pair
Lived six dragons, twas their lair.
But of the six, one was quite weird,
Because, of him no one was feared.

Ted was different to the rest,
For a start, he wore a vest
He liked painting trees and stuff
His brothers though, were quite rough.

His parents loved him, though they knew
He wasn’t normal, through and through.
He played alone, he liked it best,
For no one teased him ‘bout his vest.

One day while playing, in the yard,
He tripped and fell, it was quite hard.
All the others had gone out,
So Pansy heard his plaintive shout.

She found him crying on the floor,
He’d hit his head upon a door.
He had developed quite an egg,
And a nasty bruise upon his leg.

He was surprised to see her free,
They’d locked her in her room, you see.
But locks were easy for a mouse,
Who was well able to use his nouse.

While gentle Pansy helped young Ted,
She held his claw and stroked his head.
She smiled and soothed his pain away,
He’d found a friend, what a great day.

Now Ted was diff’rent, that I said,
He even ate his meat when dead!
He wasn’t gay, this I must stress,
Though he quite fancied Pansy’s dress.

The pair became the best of friends,
Though her clothes she never lends,
He wasn’t quite her size, you see,
- Was a diff’rent shape, totally.

They kept their friendship unrevealed,
All sets of lips were firmly sealed,
His parents just would not agree.
For any friendship with our three.

The season came for mighty knights
To challenge dragons to some fights
With gleaming armour and pointy things,
They dreamed of girls and being kings.

The knights and dragons fought with guts,
Though Ted and Pansy thought them nuts.
They watched all of the dragons die,
And all the knights, beside them lie.

The castle was deserted now,
And Habendoz could work out how
He could return to be himself,
He was tired of living on a shelf.

He and Pansy worked all night
With spells and books and magic light.
At last he stopped and gave a cry,
“We can’t do it here, and I know why!

“This castle is under a spell,
So magic doesn’t work so well.
We have to go out from the place,
We’ve not much time, so we must race!”

So mouse and maiden, climbed on top
Of Ted’s scaly back, what a hop!
Then from the castle he did fly,
And scared the life from passers by.

He flew up high and then right over,
Some white cliffs, perhaps at Dover.
And then he landed, with a thud,
By Habendoz’s home, in some mud.

While Ted was cleaning off the muck,
Hab and Pansy had some luck,
They came across a book of spells
Of DNA, and stuff with cells.

They lit a fire, and found a pot.
And in the pot they put a lot,
Of bits and bobs, of nasty stuff
Believe me, the smell was quite rough!

It bubbled up and steamed quite well,
They held their noses, what a smell!
At last, the mouse said it was done,
And took a swig, it wasn’t fun!

It tasted foul, he made a face,
And took off at quite some pace,
The little chap shot out the door,
Collapsed out cold upon the floor.

Pansy watched him, with unease,
And knelt beside him on her knees.
The little mouse started to shake,
And all the ground began to quake.

Steam poured out from both his ears,
She hardly saw through crying tears.
But then the mouse began to grow,
Bigger and bigger he did go!

Until at last he was normal size,
A man again with open eyes!
He looked up to her eyes so blue,
He loved this girl, and now he knew!

But blushing red, she turned around.
She giggled quietly, a lovely sound.
He frowned a while and then he saw
He was stark naked, in the raw!

Now Pansy thought, “Hmm, he’s all right.
But that is only at first sight.
I haven’t seen a man before,
He’s not that bad, from what I saw!”

Now Habendoz, he went quite pink,
And so would you, I should think.
He covered up his private bits,
With his wizard’s hat, - yes, it fits

I hear you say, “Hey, just a tick,
What about young Pansy’s trick?”
I am so glad you mentioned that,
You might forget what’s in his hat!

Now, Pansy had been left alone,
And wasn’t one to have a moan,
She simply made the best of it,
And found that she could change a bit.

When I say change, I mean herself,
She could change to someone else.
Big or small, or he or she,
She could become ev’n you or me!

This trick of hers was very smart,
But there was a sticky part,
You see, she couldn’t stay like it,
For any more than one minute.

After that she changed right back,
To keep in part she had no knack.
Here the clever wizard helped some,
Remember him, the naked one?

In a drawer, he found some clothes,
“At last, I’m free!” said Habendoz.
“My task is clear, to help the lass,
Regain what’s hers, and kick Tom’s ass!”

He found her waiting just outside,
Dressed as he was, no need to hide.
He found a useful book of spells
And mixed a potion,- not more smells?

But in a jiffy he did make,
A special pill, for her to take.
It meant she could keep up her trick
For more than just one little tick.

So off they went, our special pair,
To seek out Tom, deep in his lair.
For Pansy’s mum had passed away,
Seven years ago, and a day.

He’d spent her money, lost the lot!
His choice of horses wasn’t hot!
But Pansy’s papa, had been smart,
He’d locked away the better part.

A key hung round young Pansy’s throat,
Which meant Tom couldn’t get a groat,
Without the key, he was plain skint,
He told a man, “Go get the bint!”

The man rode off, and passed the pair -
A fine tall man, and maiden fair.
They walked across the drawbridge down
And met a guard, with frightful frown.

“Who are you?” the guard did glare.
“I’m Tom, your Boss!” she did declare.
“Oh, right then, pass sir!” said the guard.
They walked right into Bad Tom’s yard.

The man discovered Pansy gone
Found his horse and leaped back on.
He raced to warn his bad old Duke,
He saw a sight to make him puke.

A dreadful dragon, loomed in sight,
It froze him there, quite still with fright.
Our Ted did snigger, just a bit.
The man filled his pants, yes with ****!

Meanwhile Tom, was getting cross,
He didn’t like to make a loss,
He’d knew that just behind this door
Was piles of cash, just more and more!

He heard some footsteps coming near,
He had no reason, then, to fear.
But when he turned around to see
He turned quite white, with shaky knee.

For standing right in from of him
Was the man he’d killed, the King.
He’d been poisoned, in plot most foul,
Drops in wine, had got in his bowel.

He’d died in agony and fear,
Fearing for his daughter most dear.
Pansy showed she was twice as strong,
Than beastly Tom, who’d done such wrong.

Tom shook with fear, he saw a ghost
It was the thing he feared the most.
He hadn’t slept for years and years,
He was kept awake by all his fears.

His fears now faced him, right up tight,
He was shaking now, and gone quite white.
He confessed it all, to this old bloke,
But became more scared, when he spoke.

All around him, the guards they saw
Their boss a-quaking on the floor.
Of nasty crimes he came quite clean,
He cried and whimpered – what a scene!

When the King spoke, he also changed
Tom now believed he was deranged.
For in place of a fat old ghost
Stood a girl, more stunning than most.

“You killed my father, nasty cad!
I owe you one, for dear old Dad.
My penalty for you shall be,
A nasty one, you must agree.

You will be taken from this place,
With a mask across your face
Into a dungeon dark and damp
No candles, lights or even lamp.

And there alone, in chains you’ll stay.
Until you die, and come what may,
No other person will you see
Not a soul, not even me!

I’m the Princess you’d locked away,
I never thought I’d see today,
It makes me feel much better now
I have my vengeance, boy, and how!

The guards recovered pretty fast,
And saw that Tom’s time was passed.
They dragged him off, the old has-been.
They were quite pleased they had a queen.

The people of the land were glad
They all had said that Tom was bad.
“Good Queen Pansy!” they all declared,
Except for Tom, in jail and scared.

But Pansy wasn’t quite fulfilled
For despite being strong willed
Something lacking, what could it be?
I am not there, so don’t ask me!

That night while restless, lain in bed,
She thought about what had been said,
And called her friend, the Dragon Ted.
And asked him how her future led.

“There is a man who loves you lots,
He doesn’t care that you have pots
Of gold and loads of jewels and things
He doesn’t even care for kings.

For Habendoz, this handsome man,
Loves you dearly and is your fan!
He’d never leave your pretty side
And he’d keep you satisfied.

So, it happened just as he said,
The happy pair, they did get wed,
Had loads of children, just as fair,
And lived happy ever after, there




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